"Hello, Esteban. So nice of you to join us.", An evil voice proclaimed, quite evilly. As the blindfold was removed from Esteban's eyes and they adjusted to the light, he saw a tall, older man in splendid red robes accompanied by two unnecessarily burly priests, one of whom immediately punched him straight in the junk. Like, these guys were so ripped, you don't even know. (EDITOR'S NOTE: What the hell, man? This book isn't being written for dumbass frat boys, it's for fortysomething divorcees with several cats. Act like it! God!) "I'm sure you're wondering why I brought you here.", the man said.
"Yeah, I'd also like to know why one of your buddies just jammed red hot metal into my spine and the other one punched me in the cock." he responded.
"Well, I'll be frank," the man retorted, "my name is Javier de Montagna. I am the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition. You have been brought here because your neighbors have denounced you as a witch." (Or warlock. Or man-witch. I'm sticking with man-witch because it reminds me of Manwiches.)
"Por que?" Esteban responded, quite Hispanically, "I am just a simple, ruggedly handsome, well-endowed farmer!"
"Well, Esteban, it seems that this past growing season, everybody's crops were eaten by moles, or gophers, or something like that. Yours were spared. Seeing as we haven't invented (read: stolen from Arabs) science yet, witchcraft is the only possible explanation. What say you?"
"I assure you, Senor Montagna, that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. I have a domesticated fox named Ricardo Montalban who I trained to hunt moles. He eats them, and my crops remain safe. Just a misunderstanding, right?"
"So, you have dominion over animals, eh? Man-witch! I condemn you to be burned at the stake!", the Inquisitor exclaimed, "Now, I'll just undo your bonds here and go into the other room with one of my men to discuss your punishment, leaving the weak and incompetent one to stand next to the open door to watch you."
Approximately 7 seconds later, Esteban had totally owned the guard with some sweet aikido moves and was out the door, riding Montagna's horse to safety. A few minutes went buy where nothing interesting happened. I'm not Charles Dickens, so I'm not going to describe those in excruciating detail (Ooh! Burn!). Then, he heard a woman's sexy Spanish voice behind him. "You're sitting on me, you stupid pendejo!", it cried.
Turns out that yeah, Esteban had totally not noticed that a woman was on the horse when he rode away. "Who the hell are you?", he asked, embarrassed for not seeing her in the first place. "Mi nombre es Maria de Montegna!" she said, totally sounding like a frosty bitch. "My father is the Grand Inquisitor, and when he finds out what you did, he'll cut off your junk and feed it to you!"
By this time, Esteban had stopped his horse by the side of a lonely, dusty road, mainly because his ass hurt from sitting on that woman. As he jumped off, he saw Maria for the first time. "DAMN!", he thought to himself, "This chica is smoking hot!" And hot she was. Jet black hair, tan skin, dark brown eyes, and a pretty fine body. Like shapely 34Bs and a pretty nice ass. You know, like one of those girl-next-door types you went to high school with and you thought "Man, that chick is really good looking. She acts all frosty because her dad's the mayor or the Pope or whatever, but odds are 2:1 that she's a total freak in the bedroom." That's exactly what kind of girl she was. He took a long, hard look at Maria (and I mean long and hard! BAM!) and said, "Not likely, mi bonita. He left one of his men to guard me, and I totally went Steven Seagal on him and broke both his arms and I think his face bone." (EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously? Steven Seagal? I know he's awesome, but this is a total anachronism. Did you forget you were writing about the Spanish Inquisition? Also, face bone? Do you have any idea at all of how human anatomy works?)
"Mmmmmm," Maria sighed sexifully, "I like a man who handles his business." At this point, Maria felt strange, sexy feelings brewing up inside of her. It was against everything her father taught her, and that's just what made it so hot. Something about this man just made her lady parts all tingly. Maybe it was the warm Spanish breeze. Maybe it was the fact that he defied her father. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that this impossibly attractive man was standing in front of her, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his rippling muscles, black hair waving softly in the summer breeze, enormous erection visible through his too-tight pants. His eyes had not left hers this entire time. "Oh god!" she wondered, "did he just notice me unmercifully eye-raping him?"
"Um, were you aware that you just said that out loud?", Esteban asked her. "I'm totally DTF, by the way."
"Oh really?", Maria asked, clearly eyeing his package.
"Yes, my darling," Esteban replied, "But I have one question for you."
"Anything, my love!", she exclaimed. Esteban thought that it was rather weird of her to call him that after 10 minutes of knowing each other, but he really didn't care. I mean, he'd tell women that he was a king with superpowers if it got him a BJ, and a BJ is exactly what he was hoping for. But I digress. "My question, l'amor de mi vida, is this. It it hot out here, or is it just BONER!!!!", he exclaimed, revealing his rather large, well, his boner is what I'm driving at.
"Ay, Dios mio!", she cried out, "I have never seen a real man before!"
"Does that mean...", he started.
"Si. I am a virgin.", she admitted. "I was saving myself for marriage. But when presented with such an impressive man, I have no choice. I must have you!" Maria threw herself at Esteban, and they started making out and stuff. Then she started to go down on him, which he was totally okay with. "Man, she really must be a virgin," Esteban deduced, "because she gives the worst head I have ever experienced in my life!" "Okay, that's enough of that." Esteban said, forcefully removing his wood from her mouth. Seeing that Maria felt guilty about her obvious inadequacy regarding fellatio, he quickly added, "It will get better with time, lover. It's not something a woman immediately knows how to do. But I know something that every woman does know. Are you wet? Yeah? Good. Get on top of me." Maria cried with a mix of pain and pleasure as he entered. He almost split that shit in half because, seriously, his dick was huge. Anyway, they got it on for a while, and by a while, I mean like 5 minutes. Because seriously, guys, a virgin is just way too tight for any dude to handle for any extended period of time. Am I right, fellas? Anyway, as he felt the waves of orgasmic pleasure flowing through him, he cried out, "Maria, I'm going to..."
"Mmm-hmm," she moaned, clearly wanting Esteban to bust inside her, because apparently she thought this was romantic. She was also coming and had no intention of stopping. Also, she totally wasn't thinking of that fact that she could get knocked up as a result of this. Esteban was. At the last second, he pulled out and skeeted like all over her. She was ripshit pissed because she was like 5 seconds from having her first orgasm. "You're going to get your tongue down here this instant and finish me off right now, you bastard!", she screamed in his face. "Do it yourself," he snapped back, "it's the 15th century. Women's rights, opinions, and orgasms don't count for shit. You can't even own property, dumbass. It's because you as a gender are stupid and weak, and you're proving that right now." (EDITOR'S NOTE: What the shit, man? Are you functionally retarded? If I'm reading this right, your main character, with whom the readers are supposed to fall in love, just shamelessly slandered pretty much our entire demographic! You know what, fuck you. I'm this close to giving up and just letting this shitstorm hit shelves as is.)
"Just kidding," Esteban quickly added as he saw her raise a concealed knife to his member, "get your sexy ass over here." As a sexually experienced man, Esteban was quite familiar with the finer points of oral sex. He went down on her so hard, and she fucking, just, like, loved it. Had a huge orgasm.
"Wow, holy crap Esteban!", Maria panted, "Cosmo wasn't lying!" (EDITOR'S NOTE: FUCK YOU!!!!!!)
"Yeah, well I thought Cosmo also taught women how to not fail at giving blowjobs.", Esteban replied, a cool passive-aggressiveness in his voice. 'Whatever. I'll cut you a break. It was your first time and my meat is pretty outrageous. The sex was killer, by the way. Best I've ever had."
"Best you've ever had?", Maria said shakily, tears welling up in her eyes. "I thought we were taking each other's virginity! It was supposed to be special! I only gave myself to you because I thought you were giving yourself to me!"
Esteban spent the next twenty-five minutes rolling around on the ground it fits of bowel-shaking laughter. When he finally recovered, he found Maria (who was inexplicably still naked, as was he) staring at him with hate-filled eyes. "Oh, lo siento, baby!", he exclaimed, "It doesn't matter how many women I've had. It's a lot, by the way. I've tapped more ass than, well, some historical figure who tapped a lot of ass. Casanova. Was he alive yet? Anyway, what matters now is that I have you. Te quiero, mi amor! Anyway, it's been like half an hour. I'm ready to go again. Get over here and try out them BJ skillz again!"
It was better this time. So was the sex. It was pretty awesome, truth be told. They did it a few more times until both of them were exhausted. It was dark by then, so Esteban grabbed a blanket from the horse that I forgot to mention earlier. Esteban fell asleep quickly because he was, you know, tired from all the sex. You know how men are. Anyway, Maria curled up next to him and they lay there together, sleeping as tho 'twere beauteous Aphrodite and noble Ares, embraced in the loving, watchful arms of Mother Night. Also, they were butt ass naked, which is pretty hot. As Maria drifted off to sleep, soothed by the steady rhythm of Esteban's heartbeat, she wished that this night, the night where she had first experienced the joys of true love, would never end.
But it totally did.
END OF CHAPTER ONE.
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