Chapter 2: Enter Maria (not the one he already boned, a different one)

Esteban awoke to someone poking him in the bare ass with a stick. "What the hell," he thought to himself, "who travels a deserted back road and makes the decision to poke a naked stranger with a stick?"

As he looked around, Esteban realized that he was in the middle of a garden contained within the public square of a very large town. He looked at the man, puzzled, and said, barely coherent, "Whthefckmidngher?"

"Que?", the man responded, clearly just as puzzled about the fact that two people were completely naked in the middle of the town square.

"Sorry, my mouth is a little dry. All night bone-fest last night with this little mamasita. Anyway, where the hell am I?", Esteban riddled the strange man.

It was just about this time that Maria awoke and came to the sudden and profound realization that after a night of repeatedly fucking a man who was probably now the most wanted man in Spain, she was waking up naked with a large crowd of people around her, more than one of them masturbating furiously. She let out a massive, penis-shriveling scream. Local dogs went berserk, all seven of the masturbating men stopped and looked at each other both horny and confused, and Esteban full-on pimp slapped that dumb bitch right across her face. Like, went all upside her head and shit.

"Shut the hell up! Damn!", he screamed, "I'm trying to figure out where we are."

"You're in Madrid, senor," the man explained, "your caballo dragged you into town. I'm frankly stunned that you didn't wake up. Must have been some serious boning, eh?" The man added a few winks, a nudge with the stick, and a few pelvic thrusts for effect.

Anyway, Esteban and Maria got dressed and shit, and went out to do something or another, when they saw, I don't know, a turn of the century newsboy. Like that movie Newsies with Christian Bale, you know, before his voice got all gravelly and he went crazy and shit. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Fuck you. Just, fuck you. I hate you as much as one human can hate another.)

"Extra, extra, read all about it! Most wanted man in Espana, Esteban Quixote de la Mancha, escapes from Inquisition! Also, he kidnapped the Grand Inquisitor's daughter! Kill on sight!", the newsboy cried, though he was more of a town crier since newspapers wouldn't be invented for, like, a long-ass time.

"Shitfuckfuckfuckgoddamn!", Esteban swore, "I need to crush this child's throat so he can't spread the news!"

And crush he did. After brutally attacking the small child, Esteban decided it was time for his next most important task, getting all up in Maria's vajayjay again. They were doing some serious doggystyle porking behind a dumpster or wagon or whatever when something, or more accurately, someone, caught Esteban's ojos.

Maria (not the Maria he was currently engaged in boning, a different person) was walking down the street, a crowd of alley cats and masturbating homeless people intently following her (as usual). If you saw this chick, you'd masturbate your wang clean off. Maria was, like ten gazillion times hotter than Maria. Maria #2 had the most smoking body you have ever seen. Ever. For starters, she was drop dead gorgeous. Also, she had a gigantic rack. I'm talking 40DDs here. But not those huge boobs that look like deflated saddlebags. I'm talking the rare huge boobs that still retain their shape and firmness. Also, her ass was pretty fly, too. No joke, if Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johannson, and Anne Hathaway all managed to have a child together somehow, she would be nowhere near as smokin' as Maria. If (and when) this book is made into a movie, we would need a team of top scientists to genetically engineer her, or get the CGI crew from Avatar to make her digitally.

Esteban knew at once that he had to have her. He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen from God knows where, and wrote the following poem on Maria's back while he was banging her:

Through chance, through fate, you caught my eye,

While I did screw another chick.

I thought, "Hot damn, that chick is fly!"

"I'd love for her to suck my dick!"

But I am just a normal man,

Though some good pussy I can lick.

I'm a big cunnilingus fan,

And I have an enormous wang.

I give to you my master plan,

I'll get my meat up in that thang,

And pound that shit, like, all night long.

Then I'll bust a nut like, "GOD DANG!"

And I'll embrace you, safe and strong.

Did I mention my giant dong?

After writing what was perhaps the greatest love poem in human history, (EDITOR'S NOTE: It's not. not even close.) Esteban needed to think quickly. Maria with the cans had stopped at the entrance to the alleyway to fight off some of the homeless men with ninja stars and also a huge katana she hid in her rockin' cleavage. How would he deliver the poem while simultaneously continuing to pound the shit out of Maria #1? "Spanish word for "Ureka!"", Esteban thought to himself, "A paper airplane!"

Using his vast knowledge of aerodynamics, Esteban quickly fashioned a delta-wing paper airplane and flung it at high accuracy and velocity. It got stuck in Maria #2's thong, which was hanging out of the top of her jeans. You know, like a whale tail kind of thing? Lots of guys find that sexy. I don't. But Esteban did. (EDITOR'S NOTE: I give up. This book is just one long, anachronism-packed clusterfuck.) By this time, Maria had beaten off the homeless guys (beaten them up, not gave them handjobs) but Esteban just could not get that rack out of his mind. He came way too fast thinking about them sweet tittays and Maria #1 got pretty angry. "What the hell, Esteban, did the sight of that unbelievably gorgeous woman with whom I could never compete physically or sexually going erotic assassin on that group of guys turn you on or something? God, you are such a typical man!"

Maria bitched on in this fashion for several more minutes, during which Esteban was thinking about boobs and sandwiches, like men do. After the bitch-switch had been temporarily flipped off, Esteban decided that it was time to defuse this situation. He punched her straight in the ovary. "I don't need this shit from you. Now make yourself useful and fetch me a God damn sandwich," he bellowed, "or get a boob job. Those mosquito bites aren't cutting it anymore."

This being the 15th century, Maria was legally obligated to get him a sandwich under pain of death. Finding a sandwich for him gave her some time alone with her thoughts. Secretly, a small part of her wanted to get a boob job to please Esteban, but a much larger part of her knew that that technology would not exist for several hundred more years. But the largest part really wanted to fuck his life up sooo hard for being such an enormous douche. She thought about turning him in to the Inquisition, but that would be too easy. Plus, he'd probably just use his fly martial arts skills to break out again and get even more high-class trim. Remembering that he always fell into a deep sleep after a night of crazy, crazy loving, she formulated a plan. "Let him have that chick with the rack," she thought to herself with an internalized evil laugh, "He can have her all he wants. But I think he'll wake up with more than he bargained for! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Meanwhile, having owned several more groups of men who were after her unbelievable body, Maria #2 was bored. She had fucked so many average dudes. (She is a prostitute, BTW. Totally forgot to mention that. It was like the only occupation available for a hot woman at the time besides being a nun.) 3 years of being out on the streets, sometimes having multiple guys a day, and yet she felt that something was missing. Something important, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. What I'm trying to say here was that she had never had an orgasm. Didn't even know what it was or that she was supposed to have one. Anyway, at this point she felt something rubbing against the crack of her ass. Assuming that it was another guy trying to get some without paying, she started pulling her sword out of her cleavage. She soon realized, however, that she was alone and what she felt was a small piece of paper lodged in her thong. She pulled out Esteban's thing (FORESHADOWING) and started reading the magnificent poem. The handwriting was shaky, as it was written mid-bone, but still legible enough.

As she finished reading, the ink began to run from Maria's tears softly hitting the page. This was the most beautiful thing she had ever read. Her heart was filled with a mix of love, desire, and a bunch of those other weird emotions that women have that I don't claim to understand. (Like when they act all cold to you and say nothing's wrong, and then later blow up at you when you think it's passed and everything's okay? What the shit, women? Get it together!) (EDITOR'S NOTE: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that shit is right on! That's some bullshit!) At that moment, Maria decided that whoever wrote this poem was the one man she would be destined to fall in love with. He was sweet, sensitive, liked to perform oral sex on women, and, barring exaggeration, had a serious package. But how would she find him? Well, relax and I'll tell you, dammit!

Esteban was just cold chillin' at his spacious villa in Madrid. His uncle had died a few hours previous and left the house to Esteban. Suck it, plot hole. He had just finished another night of wild, untamed lovin' with Maria #1 and decided that a little morning walk would help shake off the cobwebs. While walking down the street, punching out the occasional organ grinder and/or child, he saw her yet again. He was suddenly overcome by lust. And, also, he went half-mast. She saw him from afar and she was immediately attracted to him. They made eye contact, and Maria licked her lips at him in that super sexy way girls do sometimes. As they approached each other, she bent over a little bit to show off that wonderful cleavage. "See anything you like, big boy?", she asked seductively.

"Si," he replied, "Why don't you accompany me to my spacious and well-appointed villa? We have some important matters to discuss."

"Ooh, well I hope we can do more than just discuss, guapo.", she said, also pretty seductively, but not as seductively as the first thing.

Soon, they reached his home, and they went inside. Maria #1 was out doing something else. I don't know what. Probably something related to plotting her horrible vengeance against Esteban. He didn't care, though. He was too busy trying to make it with a much hotter chick who didn't seem like as much of a biatch.

He pulled Maria #2 inside the door and kissed her passionately. "Hey, no kissing on the lips! You gotta pay extra for stuff like that!" Maria yelled. She secretly loved the feeling of his lips against hers, but was too scared to admit it.

"I have a question, senorita," Esteban whispered in her ear, "did you read anything interesting yesterday?"

"Que?!", Maria exclaimed, "you mean..."

"Yes, Maria," Esteban explained, "It was I who crafted that letter, I who made into that ingenious flying shape, and I who piloted it expertly into your ass crack."

"Ay, Dios mio!", she erupted, "Kiss me now, you sexy hunk of man-love!"

He was happy to oblige. They did one of those romantic movie things where they kissed and whirled around in slow motion until they fell down on Esteban's bed, at which point they made out some more. Maria then started rubbing Esteban's junk through his pants (which, by the way ladies, totally drives guys nuts. Take that little gem and remember it. I'm here to teach, not just write). "Ooh, stud!", Maria cried excitedly, "Is that your boner?"

"Boner? I JUST MET HER!!!!", Esteban screamed, laughing hysterically, "But, yeah, I do have a pretty serious boner."

"I want to see it and do sex stuff with it!" Maria yelled excitedly, whilst simultaneously getting naked and unleashing that glorious rack.

"You know," Esteban said, "I would not mind that one bit. How do you feel about simultaneous fellatio?"

Before he could finish his thought, Maria was totally straddling his face while giving him the most epic head he had ever experienced in his entire life. It was pretty super awesome for both of them. Then, after like 15 minutes of that, they fucked. And oh boy, let me tell you, did they ever. We're talking, like, bed-breaking, epic-level sex. Like you're playing Dungeons and Dragons, but with sex, and you have a natural +30 to your Sex skill, and you're equipped with a +5 Wang of Epic Sexing, and you roll a natural 20 on your Sex check. Yeah, like that. I'll wait for you to finish masturbating. Was that long enough? Okay. Here we go. After the greatest sex in the history of mankind, Maria and Esteban both fell into each other's arms and into a sleep so deep, they both knew that this was sleeping whilst embracing your one and only love.

The morning light peeked it's eyes through the curtains, as if in a desperate attempt to see Maria's unbelievable naked body. Esteban's eyes fluttered open, and as he slowly awoke, he realized that he had morning wood (don't get grossed out, it's a natural thing). He was also intensely aware that his wang hurt like never before. As he looked down at his junk, he realized that Maria #1 had had her revenge. And that as far as he was concerned, his life was totally over.

END OF CHAPTER 2.

Chapter 1: Some Stuff Happens, Maybe it's Erotic.

The year is 1480. Or 1580. Or 1380. Whenever the hell the Spanish Inquisition actually happened. (EDITOR'S NOTE: It's 1480, dumbass. At least check Wikipedia, for God's sake. What retarded desk monkey approved this manuscript?) Esteban Quixote de La Mancha, AKA Don Quixote's grandfather, awoke with a migrane-level headache, strapped to a chair. "What's going on here?", he thought to himself, "Why is it dark in here? Do I hear the sound of a poker being heated in a fire?" This was his last thought before the red-hod poker was smashed full force into his back, at which point his thought process immediately shifted to "AHHHHHH FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!", which he shouted quite loudly.

"Hello, Esteban. So nice of you to join us.", An evil voice proclaimed, quite evilly. As the blindfold was removed from Esteban's eyes and they adjusted to the light, he saw a tall, older man in splendid red robes accompanied by two unnecessarily burly priests, one of whom immediately punched him straight in the junk. Like, these guys were so ripped, you don't even know. (EDITOR'S NOTE: What the hell, man? This book isn't being written for dumbass frat boys, it's for fortysomething divorcees with several cats. Act like it! God!) "I'm sure you're wondering why I brought you here.", the man said.

"Yeah, I'd also like to know why one of your buddies just jammed red hot metal into my spine and the other one punched me in the cock." he responded.

"Well, I'll be frank," the man retorted, "my name is Javier de Montagna. I am the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition. You have been brought here because your neighbors have denounced you as a witch." (Or warlock. Or man-witch. I'm sticking with man-witch because it reminds me of Manwiches.)

"Por que?" Esteban responded, quite Hispanically, "I am just a simple, ruggedly handsome, well-endowed farmer!"

"Well, Esteban, it seems that this past growing season, everybody's crops were eaten by moles, or gophers, or something like that. Yours were spared. Seeing as we haven't invented (read: stolen from Arabs) science yet, witchcraft is the only possible explanation. What say you?"

"I assure you, Senor Montagna, that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. I have a domesticated fox named Ricardo Montalban who I trained to hunt moles. He eats them, and my crops remain safe. Just a misunderstanding, right?"

"So, you have dominion over animals, eh? Man-witch! I condemn you to be burned at the stake!", the Inquisitor exclaimed, "Now, I'll just undo your bonds here and go into the other room with one of my men to discuss your punishment, leaving the weak and incompetent one to stand next to the open door to watch you."

Approximately 7 seconds later, Esteban had totally owned the guard with some sweet aikido moves and was out the door, riding Montagna's horse to safety. A few minutes went buy where nothing interesting happened. I'm not Charles Dickens, so I'm not going to describe those in excruciating detail (Ooh! Burn!). Then, he heard a woman's sexy Spanish voice behind him. "You're sitting on me, you stupid pendejo!", it cried.

Turns out that yeah, Esteban had totally not noticed that a woman was on the horse when he rode away. "Who the hell are you?", he asked, embarrassed for not seeing her in the first place. "Mi nombre es Maria de Montegna!" she said, totally sounding like a frosty bitch. "My father is the Grand Inquisitor, and when he finds out what you did, he'll cut off your junk and feed it to you!"

By this time, Esteban had stopped his horse by the side of a lonely, dusty road, mainly because his ass hurt from sitting on that woman. As he jumped off, he saw Maria for the first time. "DAMN!", he thought to himself, "This chica is smoking hot!" And hot she was. Jet black hair, tan skin, dark brown eyes, and a pretty fine body. Like shapely 34Bs and a pretty nice ass. You know, like one of those girl-next-door types you went to high school with and you thought "Man, that chick is really good looking. She acts all frosty because her dad's the mayor or the Pope or whatever, but odds are 2:1 that she's a total freak in the bedroom." That's exactly what kind of girl she was. He took a long, hard look at Maria (and I mean long and hard! BAM!) and said, "Not likely, mi bonita. He left one of his men to guard me, and I totally went Steven Seagal on him and broke both his arms and I think his face bone." (EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously? Steven Seagal? I know he's awesome, but this is a total anachronism. Did you forget you were writing about the Spanish Inquisition? Also, face bone? Do you have any idea at all of how human anatomy works?)

"Mmmmmm," Maria sighed sexifully, "I like a man who handles his business." At this point, Maria felt strange, sexy feelings brewing up inside of her. It was against everything her father taught her, and that's just what made it so hot. Something about this man just made her lady parts all tingly. Maybe it was the warm Spanish breeze. Maybe it was the fact that he defied her father. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that this impossibly attractive man was standing in front of her, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his rippling muscles, black hair waving softly in the summer breeze, enormous erection visible through his too-tight pants. His eyes had not left hers this entire time. "Oh god!" she wondered, "did he just notice me unmercifully eye-raping him?"

"Um, were you aware that you just said that out loud?", Esteban asked her. "I'm totally DTF, by the way."

"Oh really?", Maria asked, clearly eyeing his package.

"Yes, my darling," Esteban replied, "But I have one question for you."

"Anything, my love!", she exclaimed. Esteban thought that it was rather weird of her to call him that after 10 minutes of knowing each other, but he really didn't care. I mean, he'd tell women that he was a king with superpowers if it got him a BJ, and a BJ is exactly what he was hoping for. But I digress. "My question, l'amor de mi vida, is this. It it hot out here, or is it just BONER!!!!", he exclaimed, revealing his rather large, well, his boner is what I'm driving at.

"Ay, Dios mio!", she cried out, "I have never seen a real man before!"

"Does that mean...", he started.

"Si. I am a virgin.", she admitted. "I was saving myself for marriage. But when presented with such an impressive man, I have no choice. I must have you!" Maria threw herself at Esteban, and they started making out and stuff. Then she started to go down on him, which he was totally okay with. "Man, she really must be a virgin," Esteban deduced, "because she gives the worst head I have ever experienced in my life!" "Okay, that's enough of that." Esteban said, forcefully removing his wood from her mouth. Seeing that Maria felt guilty about her obvious inadequacy regarding fellatio, he quickly added, "It will get better with time, lover. It's not something a woman immediately knows how to do. But I know something that every woman does know. Are you wet? Yeah? Good. Get on top of me." Maria cried with a mix of pain and pleasure as he entered. He almost split that shit in half because, seriously, his dick was huge. Anyway, they got it on for a while, and by a while, I mean like 5 minutes. Because seriously, guys, a virgin is just way too tight for any dude to handle for any extended period of time. Am I right, fellas? Anyway, as he felt the waves of orgasmic pleasure flowing through him, he cried out, "Maria, I'm going to..."

"Mmm-hmm," she moaned, clearly wanting Esteban to bust inside her, because apparently she thought this was romantic. She was also coming and had no intention of stopping. Also, she totally wasn't thinking of that fact that she could get knocked up as a result of this. Esteban was. At the last second, he pulled out and skeeted like all over her. She was ripshit pissed because she was like 5 seconds from having her first orgasm. "You're going to get your tongue down here this instant and finish me off right now, you bastard!", she screamed in his face. "Do it yourself," he snapped back, "it's the 15th century. Women's rights, opinions, and orgasms don't count for shit. You can't even own property, dumbass. It's because you as a gender are stupid and weak, and you're proving that right now." (EDITOR'S NOTE: What the shit, man? Are you functionally retarded? If I'm reading this right, your main character, with whom the readers are supposed to fall in love, just shamelessly slandered pretty much our entire demographic! You know what, fuck you. I'm this close to giving up and just letting this shitstorm hit shelves as is.)

"Just kidding," Esteban quickly added as he saw her raise a concealed knife to his member, "get your sexy ass over here." As a sexually experienced man, Esteban was quite familiar with the finer points of oral sex. He went down on her so hard, and she fucking, just, like, loved it. Had a huge orgasm.

"Wow, holy crap Esteban!", Maria panted, "Cosmo wasn't lying!" (EDITOR'S NOTE: FUCK YOU!!!!!!)

"Yeah, well I thought Cosmo also taught women how to not fail at giving blowjobs.", Esteban replied, a cool passive-aggressiveness in his voice. 'Whatever. I'll cut you a break. It was your first time and my meat is pretty outrageous. The sex was killer, by the way. Best I've ever had."

"Best you've ever had?", Maria said shakily, tears welling up in her eyes. "I thought we were taking each other's virginity! It was supposed to be special! I only gave myself to you because I thought you were giving yourself to me!"

Esteban spent the next twenty-five minutes rolling around on the ground it fits of bowel-shaking laughter. When he finally recovered, he found Maria (who was inexplicably still naked, as was he) staring at him with hate-filled eyes. "Oh, lo siento, baby!", he exclaimed, "It doesn't matter how many women I've had. It's a lot, by the way. I've tapped more ass than, well, some historical figure who tapped a lot of ass. Casanova. Was he alive yet? Anyway, what matters now is that I have you. Te quiero, mi amor! Anyway, it's been like half an hour. I'm ready to go again. Get over here and try out them BJ skillz again!"

It was better this time. So was the sex. It was pretty awesome, truth be told. They did it a few more times until both of them were exhausted. It was dark by then, so Esteban grabbed a blanket from the horse that I forgot to mention earlier. Esteban fell asleep quickly because he was, you know, tired from all the sex. You know how men are. Anyway, Maria curled up next to him and they lay there together, sleeping as tho 'twere beauteous Aphrodite and noble Ares, embraced in the loving, watchful arms of Mother Night. Also, they were butt ass naked, which is pretty hot. As Maria drifted off to sleep, soothed by the steady rhythm of Esteban's heartbeat, she wished that this night, the night where she had first experienced the joys of true love, would never end.

But it totally did.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

A Bit About Myself

Good evening, viewing public. I know that many of you have been lured here by the sensuous title of this web-log (or "blog", as the kids today seem to call it), but I believe that you, as my fabulous readers, deserve to know the man behind the latest entry in the wildly successful lineage of Bored Housewife & Sons Publishing Company, the nation's foremost publisher of tasteful erotica. My name is Al B. Joyhouse. I am a retired English teacher from Connecticut. I currently reside in the wonderful city of Columbus, OH with my beautiful wife, Mrs. Rhea Antevane-Joyhouse, and our two teenage children, Malcolm and Miranda. A first-time author, this is my first thrust (pun intended) into the exciting world of erotic fiction. When my wife broached the subject with a hearty "You're retired, but that doesn't mean you should sit on your ass all day and wait for death!", I was unsure if erotic fiction was right for me. Then I had a zen moment: I would write about a time period no erotic writer has delved into before. A time of intrigue and danger, religious fervor and sexual desire. Therefore, i present to you, my masterwork. A soon-to-be-published novel (complete with editor's notes). The next great erotic novel. I give you...

Tyranny: A Love Story

or

Love in the Time of the Spanish Inquisition

or

Tortillas and SEX TIME!

by

Al B. Joyhouse